a vow.

There's been a bunch of stuff on my mind lately. I think that's why I've been so out of it-- quick to snap and cry and just generally wear myself down. I'm so tired of this feeling of inadequacy. And it's not just related to one or two aspects of my life. It's literally everything. No matter what. School, work, relationship, friendships, family issues, anything. And I think the part I hate the most is that, in my head, I blame myself for everything. But I don't really voice that to anyone, so instead, I go the completely opposite route and point the finger, become hard-headed and won't back down. It's annoying. I know I'm doing it, and in my head I'm trying to stop, but it just doesn't happen that way. I really feel I'm my own worst enemy. I guess my life isn't really that bad. I mean it is...but in relativity... I could do better, though. I'm thinking that maybe I need to break down the things in my life that need adjusting. It's too stressful to think about everything at once. There's no way to even do justice to one thing when your brain is overloaded with everything. Here's an abridged list of things that need to be worked on:

-My attitude. As someone so eloquently put it: my "negative attitude is unattractive." Touche.
-Finding a job.
-Falling in love with myself.
-Accepting that I make mistakes, and realizing it is beneficial to offer subsequent apologies.
-Better appreciation of my boyfriend, friends, and family.
-Showing my love.
-Taking time to explore and practice my talents.

I'm positive there's more. But there's a common thread here: positivity. I need to stop being such a negative person and show my love for others and myself. It is impossible to progress when your mind has already been made that you will stay in one spot or, worse, move backward. Love is not just for others. I can be selfish. I can learn to love myself so I may better serve those around me. Positivity is happiness, life, and love.
I think the funniest part though, is that I didn't come up with this idea at all. Sometimes it takes a little tough love-- a swift kick in the heart, really -- to teach you the most important lessons. So thank you. (I love you.)

So my morethanhalfwaythrough2011 resolution is this: if nothing else, I will begin to take baby steps towards loving myself, and ultimately having a more positive outlook on life. I am aware drastic improvements won't be made this month, the next, or even this year. I realize it could take several years to really improve- if it ever really happens at all. But I will, in all honesty, make an effort to make things better. Because life is a gift, and all these beautiful, intelligent, loving people in it are like the bows on top of the package. And after everything they've done for me, it's the absolute least I can do.




PS: I've made a pact with myself to write something (anything!) at least three times a week, whether it be on here or in my Moleskine. 
Fingers crossed this lasts.