i am what i am, because of you.

I feel like I'm this huge mystery and no one really understands me. I was flipping through the channels and some stupid Teen Dads special was on MTV (don't judge me please), so I watched it for a few minutes, which turned out to be a mistake because OF COURSE it's going to make me think of my father, which always ends in one of two ways: I get angry or I get sad. Today happened to be an example of the latter. Now, I wouldn't say I'm "sad," per se, but I have begun to think about things again. And I always wonder whether I made the right decision back then. I mean...it's just so complicated. When people come up to me who don't know me too well (no one does, really, but let's not get into that just yet), somehow it usually comes up that my father isn't in the picture and they always make a face when I say I don't talk to him. And then I always feel some sort of obligation to explain myself, just because I hate the mixed look of judgment and pity (also combined with a unique look based on that individual's story they've come up with in their head, trying to fill in the blanks) that invariably crosses each person's face. I very very rarely do explain myself, though. I feel it would just further complicate things. Also, the few times I have tried to explain the situation to someone, they usually appear to think I am being stupid for severing ties with my father, and then it REALLY makes me question myself. I've spent the past six years without a father, essentially. It wasn't easy in the beginning, but it's something I've come to terms with, for the most part. It's just something I don't have. And I'm pretty fine with that. I think it's more so the other emotional issues that have resulted from my parents' divorce and the non-paternal contact that really get me. I don't think I was ever a confident child, by any means. I always kind of had an awareness of my flaws, and what I was lacking. It's definitely escalated over the years, to the point where it'd become a problem when I was in my late teens. (It still comes back every now and then, believe me.) My dad left during a very impressionable time in my life. It's difficult to see a relationship implode. He cheated on her, he had a new family, and I was left behind. What kind of shit is that? It is entirely impossible to trust a man when you cannot trust your own father. Nevermind the fact that since the day I stopped speaking to him, I've always had it in my mind that I will never be able to maintain the love of a man. How will someone love me when I don't even have the love of my own father, who MADE me? I think I've made baby steps since then. I can actually have a relationship now, and be in love. But I will never feel confident in the love I'm receiving. I will always question when it will end, and what I will do to be the cause of it. It's not easy to go through life feeling like this: an incessant feeling of inferiority and guilt. And it probably sounds stupid, because I'm nowhere near marriage, but I'm getting older, and new situations will be approaching. Who's going to walk me down the aisle? How am I supposed to respond when my kids ask me where their grandfather is? But at the same time, I feel like even thinking these thoughts are disrespectful to my mother. She has been absolutely everything for me my whole life, but more importantly, since I was fifteen. I didn't need my father. She was both parents, my best friend, my financial and emotional support. Where the hell was he during all of this? I don't even know. He couldn't even give me the news that my grandfather passed. I wasn't even given the opportunity to pay my respects to my blood. Part of me feels selfish. Like maybe I'm blowing everything out of proportion just because of the way I'M feeling. But it's not as though these feelings just went away. I still carry them with me every day of my life. They shape my thought process and actions more than I'd like to admit. I miss out on things constantly because I can't bring myself to face this rejection I'm sure is coming. It's impossible to have your father stick his finger in your face and say everything is your fault, and then continue your life with a positive outlook. I question everything I do, to the point where I've lost friends over it. I slip into depressions so deep I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I want to be a normal person, but it's hard. And people really think I should forgive him for what he did. This rant is probably so ridiculous. I'm still hung up on this shit, and he probably has not thought about what he did to myself or my mother at all. That's the funny thing, right? He moved on with his life. But here I am, still stuck. Almost nine years later.