new year, same issues.

I don't really know about all this. I think it's difficult to be a female in general, much less a female with trust, body, confidence, and male-centric issues. It's a challenge to just "go with the flow" and think everything's fine all the time. I almost feel like it's better to be overly-cautious and pessimistic because when something happens (and unfortunately, there's no doubt in my mind that it WILL, not might), at least I won't be blindsided. I mean, maybe if I'd never heard of the statistics or all the stories or even cheating happening RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE (apologies for all the caps, but I'm kind of ranty and it gets my point across), I wouldn't be so...what's the word? I can't think. Every word popping into my head doesn't do enough to really describe just how insecure I am, and what it does to my thought processes and actions. And really, the worst part: how it affects my relationships. And not just with my boyfriend (though I'll be the first to admit it takes the brunt of my issues). It's impossible for me to be friends with people. In high school, I'd sit in class for a whole semester, literally trying to come up with something interesting to say to someone who I'd like to be friends with. Nothing I thought of was ever good enough; why would my stupid quips, observations, whatever be interesting to someone? I'm not interesting. I'm not pretty. I don't really have any of that je ne se quoi (BUTCHERED) that "cool" people have. More often that not, and this is really pathetic, I would literally go into a new semester NEVER having thought of something to say. I mean, I couldn't even do a simple "hello." Because then what would happen if they actually decided to have a conversation? I'm not quick on my toes. That's partially why I was so grateful for MySpace and Facebook: I had all the time in the world to think of something good to say. Even now, I'll go over things in my head and contemplate how it will be perceived before I even dare post anything on Facebook. Will it be funny enough? Will people maybe like me if I post this? It's seriously so sad. I think my boyfriend was entirely accurate when he said I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism. I'll just turn my cynical thoughts into some amusingly-worded phrase, and people seem to think it's great. It's like I'm covering up my actual feelings. Like, oh you can't hurt me because I'm too tough and cynical and jaded to be hurt so don't even try it. But really, everything breaks through my wall, makes its way straight into me and I harbor all of these emotions. I don't know how to let go of anything, really. I can remember negative/mean things people said to me, literally, from elementary school. And sometimes, when something is bothering me or I'm nervous (especially in a social setting), I remember these negative things and they kind of trap me in a bubble. And I'm not really sure how to pop it...it's like everything negative can still come in and add to my bubble, but there's no exit. Does any of this make sense? It's difficult to put all my thoughts into words, because half the time I really don't have any explanation or understand what I'm feeling. I'm feeling so wishy washy, too. I don't know how I'm feeling. Like a couple weeks ago, I was so jealous that all these people my age are getting engaged and starting these beautiful journeys and I wanted that for myself, but now I get kind of nauseous thinking about it. Like I don't deserve it or something. Or maybe, I don't know, it's easier to get hurt when you're in a regular relationship, but when you're genuinely seriously, lifetime committed to someone, it's like I just expect it to be a disaster. I can't imagine anyone being with me for an extended period of time. I get super crazy insecure, like worse than anything I've ever felt. I don't understand how I have a boyfriend or how he deals with me or why he loves me. When we go out, I see all these girls and it's like hey she's so much better than me, why are you sitting here with me right now? And what are you doing when I'm not around, because I know you're smart and being so smart you obviously know there's nothing good about me, so you have to be out there with all those better girls. It's sick. Most girls will be completely happy with their significant other, maybe question things every now and then, but for me it's not even a question or speculation. It's like I KNOW it's happening even though I pretty much know it's not. That makes absolutely no sense. I told you, my thought processes are so fucked. I know that everyone is sick of me always being so negative. A lot of the time, I figure my negativity is self-inflicted and doesn't extend outward, but that's a selfish way of thinking, isn't it? I'm hurting other people by hurting myself. Sometimes I swear I'm so good at self-diagnosing. I know what my problems are, I'm always identifying causes to these problems, but I am never capable of formulating a solution. My family loves me, my friends are great (and I really should get over the fact that I don't have a ton of them- quality over quantity...it sounds corny but really it's true), my boyfriend is my best friend and we love each other almost to an excess. So what's my deal? Why can't I just accept things as they are, and stop reading into every minute detail? I really would make the best storyteller, with all the bizarre and completely outlandish connections I seem to make to everything. I guess I'm just worried, because I've never been comfortable with myself, and I've never been very good at making conversation. So I always assume people are just stringing me along until they find something better. I mean, no one can ever completely say for sure that the relationship they're in is 100% faithful, but...I guess a huge component of even BEING in a relationship is trusting until there is a legitimate reason NOT to trust. It's hard sometimes though, seeing all these beautiful, intelligent, outgoing girls, and then there's me, all closed up and self-hating with my arms folded, spewing insults and sarcasm. Who in their right mind would want that? It's easy to get caught up in thinking that I know what my boyfriend REALLY wants or SHOULD want. How ridiculous is that; I'm telling him what he should be doing. What an amazingly stupid (yet incredibly effective) way to push someone away. I wish I could just live in the moment, and forget about what other people are going to think of me. And I also wish I could stop being so concerned with what I think of others. We are all human and beautiful and wonderfully unique. And I really do have the most beautiful man who makes me feel like everything in the world is exactly how it should be when he tells me how much he loves me. I'm like a walking contradiction! I KNOW he loves me, it practically radiates from him, and I'm all defensive, calling girls bitches and whores if they so much as exchange glances. I think it's because I don't deserve him. Love makes absolutely no sense. It confounds the brain in such a way that all logic is thrown to the wayside and you really don't need any explanation other than the fact that someone loves you and it is the single-most perfect emotion humans can express. Maybe I'll figure it all out one day.