sads. again.

I don't know if I'm getting any better. I'm not sure what's going on in my life, or why I always have these negative emotions. I want to blame it on hormones, but I'm not a doctor or a scientist, and I don't want to make excuses. Every time I feel like I'm getting better, something happens to bring me right back down to where I started. I don't want to piss anyone off, but I still don't feel they like me. I'd say it's more so tolerance at this point. And I'm of the belief that first impressions are hard to shake, so I don't even know if there's a possibility of changing anyone's view of me. This sounds really stupid, but it almost seemed easier when I was completely alone. I didn't have to question anyone, because there wasn't anyone to question. No one was in my life, and that was that. I didn't have to constantly wonder how I was being perceived, or question whether people actually like me or if it's just an act for someone else's sake. I got my tattoo, and it was meant to be a reminder of where I've been and what I have endured. It was supposed to remind me that I'm strong. But I think that was probably just wishful thinking. I've always been weak and outcasted. And don't get me wrong- I don't think that's anyone's fault but mine. I know I could change things. The problem is how. People are so quick to say, "No, you're fine," but am I really? I know it would hurt more than anything, but maybe I need someone to give it to me straight; really tell me exactly what my problem is, what people think of me, and what I need to change. Because I have the people in my life who coddle me and are afraid to hurt my feelings, and they tell me the things I think about are ridiculous. And then nothing gets fixed. I'm going to ruin my relationship, just how I always end up breaking apart my friendships. I think the problem is people don't understand me. Which is obvious, because I don't even understand myself. All I know is that I am never in a state of self-acceptance and happiness for very long. I'm always reading that people can't love you until you love yourself. I think the people who do love me and put up with me have the patience of a saint. And for those people who hate me, I can see where you're coming from. But it still makes me sad. Like when a certain bunch of people didn't want to come out for my birthday. Okay, I get it. It has to do with me, so you don't care. I mean, I guess I really shouldn't complain, because some people did come out, but it's obvious who was missing. And it kind of upset me, you know? Because really, it just proved my point. They don't like me. They're not going to go out of their way to do anything that involves me. So...yeah. What have I even overcome in my life? I just get rid of people. But I'm no good at getting people to come into my life.