tears on a saturday night

I don't have friends and I don't know why.
Actually, that's a lie. I do know why. I just don't want to accept blame.
You know it's funny, because I put so much pressure and negativity on myself that other people don't even want to be around me. And I've basically done this to myself. I get so worked up in what I believe are other people's perceptions of me that I can't even drag myself out of the house. Then when I actually have the confidence to go out, there's no one left.
I wish I could start over sometimes. A lot of the time, actually.
Though I'm not sure I'd ever have the ability to be that person others actually want to be around.
It sucks, you know- always being the odd man out.
I'm at home right now. And everyone else is out having a good time with their friends. And I'm literally on google trying to figure out how to make them. How fucking pathetic is that?
It's so easy to just accumulate friends on facebook, but I never get texts or phonecalls asking to hang out. And when they do come, which is few and far between, I feel so shitty about myself that I almost always decline. It's like some self-fulfilling prophecy. I cry because I want to belong, and then I can't even allow myself the opportunity to be a part of something when it's offered.
I haven't felt this way in a really long time, and I don't know why it's happening to me again. It's like every few years, these feelings I have are just magnified and I can't escape them. My insecurities are tenfold and I honestly feel like I don't belong anywhere. Like all I have is a twenty-four hour pity party. I know it's not attractive. I know it's not okay to be feeling this way, but it's hard to avoid it when there aren't any factors to tell me differently. 
It's really difficult going through life harboring such resentment for myself. But the thing that really gets me is that I know I'm acting irrationally. I know there's not much truth to the way I feel, but I can't stop. I mean, I thank god for the people who've stuck by me all these years, despite knowing the way I am. I have no idea where I would be without them.
I want so badly to belong somewhere, cause this hurts a lot.